Chapter 10: What's Best

Walls are lowered.
Truths are offered.
Realities are accepted.
Christina begins to see it their way. 

After breakfast I did as I was asked and sat patiently in the lounge. Unlike other days I didn't curl up with a book from the shelves, I instead sat tucked up on one of the couches staring absently into the hearth, which now sat quiet and unlit, unnecessary in the morning light. Its cold dead presence was in such sharp contrast to my nightmare last night. Then it had seemed so prominent, so full of purpose in my mind, yet the reality that stood before me was mundane and muted. 

Something about myself also felt off. As if in similar fashion something that burned within me was also extinguished. I was full of such fire in my first few days here, but now any flicker I could muster was so easily doused. All that was left was a creeping sadness that sat with me now.

As I was lost in my feelings, I registered the sound of someone approaching. I felt a hand get placed gently on my shoulder as Lena walked around the couch to take a seat beside me. She was alone, and looked slightly more somber than she had been at breakfast. She seemed to realize something was wrong and looked ready to console me.

"Christina darling, are you alright?" She asked gently.

I honestly hadn't a clue how to respond to her. I didn't feel alright, but the idea of letting that be seen by Lena was met with so much internal resistance. "Why wouldn't I be?" I responded, though my heart wasn't in the charade, so it came off more rhetorical than genuine.

"Well, call me crazy, but I usually don't expect to be lashed out at like that when I give someone a gift, and despite how you calmed yourself . . . I can see that something about the music box affected you." She moved her hand from my shoulder down to my knee. "I know things have been very hard for you these last few weeks, and I know you understandably have a hard time trusting others right now, but I hope you know that I didn't mean to upset you at all." Lena paused slightly before continuing. "After last night, I truly felt like I may have overreacted when you we found you searching through your families belongings. I thought maybe I could make you more comfortable here if we brought you something from your old life." She sighed gently. "Please, don't feel the need to protect my feelings, if you truly dislike having the box around, we can have it sent back. All I want is for you to be happy Christina." 

Lena looked at me, awaiting an answer. As I looked at her, I actually believed she was being genuine. For the first time since being here it felt like I was being shown real compassion. Maybe she actually did care how I felt? 

I sighed deeply, part of me feeling like I was about to slip into self-betrayal. "The reason I asked if anything was removed from the box before it was brought here was because, that music box used to house a family heirloom that belonged to my mother. It was a Pendant that had been passed down from mother to daughter for generations." I took a deep breath in. "One day it was supposed to be mine."

I could feel my sadness building inside of me. The door to my pain was opening, and I felt like I had to see it through. "My family is gone." I started. "Not only are they gone, they abandoned me, and everything I had to remind me of them was taken away in crates. I don't know where they went, I don't know why they left me, and I didn't get a chance to say goodbye. . . " I sat up and stifled back the emotion of what I was saying before I continued. "When I found that music box yesterday in the warehouse, I realized that the pendant might still be in it, that despite everything thats happened, my mother might have left it for me to find. Maybe there was still something left that would tie me back to my family, something that would remind me, I'm not alone." I gripped myself tightly, and fought back the emotion inside me that threatened to send me to tears. "I don't want the music box to be sent back, but it's just . . . this morning finding the box, seeing that it was empty . . . My mothers pendant, is just like her, lost forever." I looked over to the unlit fireplace in the center of the room. "It just hurts."

Lena squeezed my leg comfortingly, as it to remind me that she was here. She paused for a few moments to take in my words before speaking. "Christina, I'm so sorry you have to experience that kind of loss. I wish I could take it away from you." She took a deep breath, pausing before she continued. "I first want to say thank you for trusting me with that. I know what its like to feel like you've lost your family. Its a pain that nobody should ever have to feel, but it also doesn't have to be permanent. I know it might be hard to see it right now, but Rowan, Cynthia and I, we do care about you. Maybe if you were able to let us in, you could grow to be part of our family?"

Lena brought both hands to my thigh as she posed the possibility. I looked her in the eyes and I saw her nurturing spirit, before looking back at the hearth once more, silent and still. I thought back to the girl in the alley and one of the last things she said to me. 'Make a new one then'. 

As I was lost in thought Lena clearly didn't want to push me. She patted my leg gently. Before standing up. "Whats most important is that you start to feel better. Tell me, is there anything we could do to help you feel more comfortable here? Or something you used to do that made you happy?" She asked.

I thought about the question for a moment. I remembered how I used to pass long boring days back at home. "I actually own a violin, I used to play music to pass the time when I was alone. . ." I offered. 

Lena looked at me with a smile. "Oh I had no idea! Well maybe we can see about getting you a violin here in the future." She said with a bit of excitement in her voice.  "But for now . . . you like reading don't you? Maybe for the day we can let you stay home and read if you like? I'll tell Cynthia to give you some space for the day." 

The mention of Cynthia being told to ease off me did actually bring me some relief. I had no idea why the sorceress was this way with me, but any stop to it was welcome. Though in the moment, I realized maybe I could find out. "Lena . . . Can I ask, why does Cynthia seem to hate me?" 

Lena reacted to my question with a moment of genuine surprise, before settling back to a look of gentle understanding. "Well of course she doesn't hate you Christina. I know Cynthia can be a little bit rough around the edges, and she may seem harsh at times, but the idea that she hates you couldn't be further from the truth." 

Despite Lena's assurances I had a hard time accepting what she was saying. "If she doesn't hate me, then why does she treat me like that?" 

Lena crouched down slightly and put one hand on my knee once again. "Christina, from the bottom of my heart, I promise she doesn't hate you. I know you might not like it sometimes, but Cynthia is only doing whats best for you, even when you can't see it." 

I met Lena's eyes and saw that same trustworthy presence. Was maybe what she was saying true?

Lena gave me another comforting pat on the thigh before standing back up. She walked over to one of the many bookshelves in the room, ran her finger over the books in front of her before pulling one off the shelf and bringing it over to me. "Here, this one is one of my favourites. Now why don't I leave you be." After which she placed the book in my hands, and departed, leaving me alone in the lounge. I picked up the book and glanced at the title. I hadn't ever taken notice of this particular novel before, and I had been in the middle of another book from a previous day that I was enjoying. Despite that I opened it and started on chapter one.

************
Day 8
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A few days later I found myself sitting in the Garden, reading another one of Lena's suggested books. I read through the first one with relative speed, and one morning during breakfast I mentioned it to her that I enjoyed the book. From there Lena made it a habit to choose new books for me to read, either handing them to me herself, or as most recently having Cynthia pass the book along while she was otherwise preoccupied. Ever since our conversation the other morning, I had been feeling slightly more at ease with Lena. It felt like that was the first time since living here I had been shown real kindness, and that maybe Lena wasn't so bad. When I had time alone I often pondered what Lena had said, about me growing to be part of her family. With my own family gone, was it possible I could find another? 

As I read through the pages of the book, I thought about my three guardians. I was conflicted about all of them. They each had their own special way of treating me as lesser, but at least with Lena she attempted to show me kindness even while belittling me. Rowan treated me with the most respect in some ways, but at the same time it was clear he had very little regard for any rebellious attitude or pushback on the rules they had enforced. And then there was Cynthia. She seemed to take so much joy from her power over me. Lena had said that Cynthia was only doing what was best for me, but I could never help but feel like she saw me as nothing more than her plaything. 

Still, they wanted me to follow their rules, and I was trying. At first it was simply out of self preservation, but now I was starting to feel the weight of some of my previous actions. I often lashed out to others out of frustration, maybe it was better for everyone if I quieted my temper? After all when Lena had approached me the other day, I could have lashed out at her, but instead I opened up a small amount, and look what came of it, after that I felt like my life here had gotten a little less hostile.

Though it wasn't moments later that hostility found me.

"Ah well if it isn't the little princess! Reading stories, eh?" The voice of Raphael, the gardener who accosted me on my second day here interrupted my solitude. "Hopefully 'ur Mummy didn't give you a scary one! Wouldn't want you to gettin' all riled up thinking boogiemen exist now would we?" He teased.

I sighed. I hadn't seen this man since the events of my second day, when he got me in my first real trouble with my guardians. Both that previous interaction, and his current ridicules left me wishing I could release my frustrations and snap back at him. But instead I bit my lip and stayed silent, knowing that yelling at him would only end badly for me. 

"Oh what, are you scared of me now? Did you read a story book about th' big bad dirt man and think I'm gonna eat you whole?" He cackled at his own jokes, gnashing his teeth dramatically as if it would frighten me. 

I knew that the man was trying to get a rise out of me, and did my best to keep a cool head. I told myself that he wasn't worth the effort it would take to raise my voice. So I attempted again to be done with him. "I'm trying to read in peace. Leave me alone." I said, looking back down the pages of my book in an attempt to ignore him.

The gardener took his shovel over his shoulders and rested his arms on top. "Well I don't blame ya, a rugged old man like myself, covered in dirt and weeds? I bet your little princess eyes had never seen something so scary in your life!" He continued his jokes regardless of my attention, laughing to himself all the same.

I could feel my temper rising. I tried to tune him out by reading passages from my book, but to no avail. All I wanted was some peace and quiet. These hours to myself were precious to me, and instead of getting to enjoy myself I had to sit here and endure his harassments. I knew that he wanted me to react and that I shouldn't give in to his bait, but all I wanted was to be rid of him. "Could you please go away?" I asked, my voice trembling.

He seemed to not notice my plea's and simple continued his jokes. "Oh but don't worry, at least you know I won't be able to lure you away with a magical song, my singing voice would scare away anyone!" He cackled.

At last I couldn't help it anymore, and snapped. His endless mockeries and jabs driving me up the wall, my frustration and temper got the better of me. I screamed at him, "Leave me alone!" 

Snap.

The sound rang through the air and suddenly I realized how much I screwed up. Instantly I dropped my shoulders, looked to the ground, and tucked my head in shame. I didn't need to hear her voice to know who was standing behind me.

"Christina." said Cynthia.  "I am very disappointed in you, and we both know Lena and Rowan will feel the same way. You know better than to raise your voice at others." 

I had nothing to say. Cynthia was right, I did know better, and once more a wave of regret washed over me, leaving me hollow as I contemplated what I had done. Though something in the back of my head tingled.

I had tried to ask him gently hadn't I? Was it really my fault?

Cynthia walked around me into view to stand by Raphael. Her arms crossed disappointedly, looking down at me. "We really though better of you Christina, but you've failed to meet our expectations, and you can expect to be punished for this in due time." 

More guilt mounted, pulling me down like a ball and chain. It had been 3 days since I had done something wrong, I got the feeling that my guardians really had believed I had started to do better, and I proved them wrong. 

"What do you say?" Cynthia demanded.

I paused for a moment, worried any words I might choose could be the wrong ones. With a slight tremble in my voice I made my best guess. "Yes Cynthia. . . I'm sorry Cynthia." I said defeated.

Cynthia's raised eyebrow communicated that I had missed something. "What else? Who did you yell at who deserved an apology?" 

As she asked for a split second I thought I saw her signature smirk, but before I could fully register, it was gone. Even so, I realized what she wanted of me. "I'm sorry Raphael, I shouldn't have yelled at you." I said in the same broken voice. 

Cynthia looked for a moment to almost be impressed, like she hadn't expected me to actually succeed at my apology, or perhaps she hadn't expected me to remember Raphael's name? Fortunately since my first scolding Raphael's name was very well and thoroughly burned into my brain. And what's else, something inside of me perked up at the idea that maybe the gesture would earn her approval.

Raphael however simply waved off my apology, grumbling to himself as he went back about his work.

If there was any approval felt by Cynthia, there was no longer any sign of it on her face.  Instead the mistress of the house simply clicked her tongue in time with the rhythmic tapping of her foot. She pondered over me as if to contemplate the scolding of a child. 

"Do you know what you did that was wrong?" She asked with stern warning. 

Confused by the question, I hesitated before speaking. "I- . . . I yelled at Raphael?" I said, unsure of my answer.

The snap of her foot cracking against the garden path cut through my trembling words as I spoke them, harshly reminiscent of the sound of her fingers that I had come to dread so much. "That is not the question that I asked you, Christina." 

I nervously began to tug at the hem of my clothes. I felt trapped, like a fish caught in a net.

"The question I asked was, do you know what you did that was wrong?" Cynthia spoke, emphasizing each word slightly more than the last. 

I was floundering. Completely unsure of anything I could say to her. It felt like I was being baited, but everything was so murky and I failed to see how. The sound of slow gentle taps on the carved brick path echoing in the back of my skull, I mustered the courage to cautiously answer. 

"Y-yes?" I said, my voice barely above a whisper.

With one final tap Cynthia grew eerily silent, watching down at me with a firm gaze. "If that were true," She finally replied. "Then we wouldn't be here, now would we?" She lectured. 

I dared not speak. The weight and string of Cynthia's chastisement now hung heavy from my head. Where shame and guilt had hollowed me out, fear and despair now found their home. Cynthia sighed. "Now go to your room. I'll speak with Lena and Rowan about your misbehaviour, and we'll find a suitable way to correct it from now on." She said with rigid discipline.

As I was dismissed, emotions that had been bottling up now burst fourth as I spun away from my guardian. A quick walk turned almost to a run as as I wiped tears from my eyes and snorted back drip from my nose. I retreated quickly to into the house and to my room, powerless to do anything else. But as I wiped my nose on the sleeve of the childlike shirt I had been given by Lena, I remembered her words from a few days ago. 'Cynthia is only doing whats best for you.' That thought now rang in unison with Cynthia's own words. 'If that were true, we wouldn't be here now would we?' 

Those words, the snap of Cynthia's fingers, the singular crack of the fireplace in my dream. They all echoed in my head, at the same time a small twitch in the back of my mind began to fade. 

At last I entered my room, my tears beginning to dry on the sleeve of the childlike shirt I had chosen this morning. Maybe Lena was right. Maybe it is for my own good.